Successful Relationship Tips:
How to Get What You Want When You Want Different Things
by Shana James
What do you do when someone you’re dating (or in relationship with) has a desire, but it’s not what you want? Maybe it’s a sexual desire. Maybe it’s a desire about how much time you spend together. It may be a desire about how or whether s/he tells you when the other finds someone else attractive. Or that s/he wants to go on a trip, or move to another part of the country.
We’re human. So this means you WILL have different desires than others you’re in a relationship with. This article will give you a few tips on how to navigate the differences in your desires and find a solution that works for everyone.
I Freaked When My Husband Wanted to Take Off to the Other Side of the World!
My husband decided last year that he wanted to take a 5-week journey to the other side of the world. When we first started talking about this he said he needed a re-set. He wanted to resign from his job and take a sabbatical, a solo-journey! Whoa! I thought. Right when we’re trying to create a family and get settled. This is a HUGE change! One that makes us way less stable. And I’ll probably ovulate while he’s away! That means another two month delay in baby making.
Aaah! I started to freak out.
But as I thought about it more, I could feel how important this was for him. That matters to me. It’s so important to me that he feels fulfilled in his career, and loves how he spends his days. It was important not only for his own sake, but for me too; because otherwise I don’t really get to have him – instead, I’d get a watered down, uninspired version of him.
So I let go. I agreed. It was NOT easy to send my man across the world and have him return jobless(!) for this long stretch of time. And my acupuncturist “gracefully” said before he left, “Who knows what will happen?! He might renounce worldly desires and become a wandering monk! Anything is possible!”
Oy.
Open Yourself to Possibilities
All right. I knew it wasn’t likely, but it was possible. In letting go, I realized anything could happen. In agreeing that my husband actually live, rather than just fantasize about his desires (even thought they don’t always seem like the best option to me), I’m forced to face the unknown and my fear of what might happen.
What does this mean for me? It means I have to, and get to, look at my own tucked away, set aside desires! So as he was getting ready to leave, I took the opportunity to consider what I wanted for myself in that special time. I realized I myself would have a kind of freedom during his absence that I might never have again.
It’s often easier to simply settle and compromise (i.e. let go of desires) “for the sake of a relationship”, than it is to risk talking about, or even knowing, what you really want. I can see where I’ve compromised in the past. For the eight years we’ve been together, I’ve been wanting to do another meditation retreat, but never have, “for the sake of the relationship”.
I didn’t let myself go on a meditation retreat during the first four or so years of our relationship because I was afraid that if I left for ten days he would fall in love with another woman. Maybe a bit dramatic, but it’s a common fear that keeps us from doing what we want… if I go away for a while, s/he will replace me with someone else.
The problem is that when we’re driven by our fears, rather than our desires, relationships get funky. People get resentful and distant, and sometimes even sneaky. We find ways to meet our desires that aren’t always above the table.
I want our marriage to be a partnership where we support each other in doing what’s most is important to us, staying alive and vital, rather than having our relationship become dull from compromise and “supposed to’s”.
Human beings are all unique. It’s impossible to find someone who wants everything you want and likes everything you like. And even if you did, that could actually be quite boring! Someone else’s differences and contrasts to your own interests and desires bring variety to your life.
So, the next time someone you care about brings up desires, and they don’t happen to quite fit with the picture of your own, take a deep breath and listen! Really listen! Not the half-listening, half-defending-your-point-of-view that we sometimes do. (I should know, as I am sometimes guilty of this!).
Get Curious
Consider the impact(s) if s/he doesn’t do or have this desire of theirs. It may not be a big deal… Or it may be huge. Think about who you want to be for this person – someone who supports dreams and desires? Or someone who stands in the way of them? And, who do you want this person to be for you in return?
Then, put attention on your own desires! What haven’t you been doing that you really want? What have you never done that you’d love to do? While I really missed my husband and often wished he was with me, I also found freedom in not needing to plan around another person. I planted my first garden. I wrote and meditated. I cooked and spent more time with my girlfriends.
When he got home, we had a freshness and an aliveness that we wouldn’t have if we had held on tight and didn’t support each other’s desires. It takes courage to hear another person’s desires. Especially if they don’t include you. But a life where desires are known, spoken and acted upon is a much more intimate, passionate and fulfilling life.
Go on! Say it! What’s your desire? What would you really like to do that you’ve not dared express or let yourself experience for fear that someone else might not approve? The first step is simply to express it. We’d love to have you share in the comments section below!
About Shana James
Shana James is a dating and relationship coach, co-founder of the Authentic Woman Experience, and senior Course Leader for Authentic World. She helps women and men create phenomenal romantic relationships, lives they love, and real sister- and brotherhood…without compromising themselves.
Over the past ten years Shana has coached and mentored hundreds of people from around the world. Even therapists and long-time coaches credit her with helping them move through their blocks to finding and sustaining love. Shana co-created the Authentic Woman Experience workshop series to serve women who are dissatisfied, settling or feeling resigned about love. In these teleseminars and live events, women learn to create the loving partnerships they deeply desire. Women in relationship learn to keep it deep, connected and passionate for the long-term.
Shana has a masters degree in Psychology, along with hundreds of hours of coaching and course leadership training. She lives with her husband and their baby in the SF Bay Area.