If constant conflict is putting a strain on your relationship, implement these 5 simple steps to rekindle the original passion and connection you felt towards your partner. Being happy again will strengthen the family bond as well!
by Meredith M. Keller
Appreciate the good in your partner: praise, notice, comment on, and thank.
There is goodness inside your partner. Acknowledge it! Look beyond what is frustrating you about this person to what they are doing well. Many people overlook what their partner is doing right because the difficult stuff seems to outweigh it. We focus so much on what’s difficult and what we want to be different or what we want more of or less of. Over time, we no longer notice what is going well and what is good. If you’re having trouble finding goodness, ask someone else who knows her/him what they like or admire about your partner. Often others can see what we take for granted. Or think back to when you were first attracted to each other and recall what you liked in him/her. There’s a good chance that many of those traits are still there but have been clouded over with what is difficult.
How do you acknowledge the goodness inside your partner? Simply tell them! Your partner has both strengths and weaknesses, as all our partners do (remember I said no one is perfect). Notice their strengths and say something about them when you see them. It could be things such as hard-working, loyal, trustworthy, reliable, organized, easy-going, playful, reliable, sexy, or being a good parent. When he/she next does something in this area, say “You’re so reliable. I like that about you.” It could also be noticing something they did that you appreciate. This could be large or small. “Thank you for negotiating with the salesman for our new car.” Or “Thank you for buying the mint chocolate chip ice cream you know I like.” These are simple things to say to your partner. Over time, these statements will go a long way toward improving things between you.
- Laugh together: find something funny.
Do you take life very seriously? Many people do have difficult struggles in their lives. But we have the choice of whether or not to let our lives become one big struggle. By this I mean focusing on difficult circumstances, what is not going well, what is beyond our control, or what isn’t the way we wish it were. At the same time there is difficulty, life also provides us with moments of humor and joy. They may be hard to notice at first, but begin looking out for them and you’ll find opportunities for laughter more and more. Look for opportunities to laugh with your partner – maybe at something the kids did, maybe at your own mistakes. Create opportunities to laugh together – perhaps go see a comedian or watch a funny movie. Be silly together. Not sure where to start? Think back to when you were first dating and how much fun you had just being with each other. Remember what you did together that made you laugh. Laughter, like sex, reduces our stress and strengthens bonds between partners. And it’s so much fun! Life is funny. Begin to notice it together.
- Touch each other: as intimate as sex or as casual as a brush on the arm.
As humans, we need touch. Researchers have proven that babies need to be touched in infancy in order to develop appropriately. Is touch part of your relationship? Touch can come in many different forms: holding hands, cuddling on the couch, brushing one another’s hair, or brushing against each other. It is one more gift we were given as a means to connect with each other. And touching in an intimate relationship includes sexual touch. It is a vital part of how you and your spouse can connect with each other, in part because it is something between the two of you and no one else. Plus, sex can be like hitting the reset button when you’ve been in conflict: it reminds you that your partner loves you and reminds your partner that he/she is loved in turn. Don’t have time for sex or always feel too tired? Schedule it. Yes, I know it’s not spontaneous and romantic. It may help to know that lack of spontaneity is part of many modern marriages, especially those that include careers and kids. And, chances are, once you are both into it and enjoying yourselves, you’ll forget it started as an item on your calendar.
- Do something together: anything!
So many couples in long-term relationships have become roommates. If this is your relationship, you live in the same place, have negotiated the chores and bills, even share children, but rarely connect to one another. Like rails of a train track: you’re going together in the same direction but never contact each other. But, it didn’t start this way! Most likely in the early days when you were falling in love, you spent as much time together as you could. Possibly all your time was spent together doing something, anything, even nothing, as long as you were with each other. But now that you’ve been in this relationship for some time, maybe you have careers, kids, or obligations, and the time you spend with each other is much less.
- Make time for each other.
It could be as grand as taking a vacation together, just the two of you. Go to a place you both love. Try a place you spent time in when you were falling in love. Find a new location and discover it together. OK, this doesn’t fit in with simple, no-cost steps, but it’s such a good idea and SO good for relationships (and a favorite of mine), I had to throw it in. What are simple ways to make time for each other that require little time or preparation or money? Take a walk, watch a TV show or go to a website you’re both interested in and talk about it. Meet for lunch or coffee during the work day. Drive your partner to work and talk on the way. Sit outside and watch the birds or people passing by. For some, it may be hard to see the value in these activities because they’re small. Remember what I said earlier: change happens in small, simple steps. Plus, what you focus on grows in importance: when you invest time in your relationship, its value will grow.
Each interaction you have that is free of criticism and even infused with appreciation is building your relationship back up. Each moment of laughter and touch and time together is renewing your enjoyment of one another. Over time, when you take these small steps consistently, you are strengthening your connection and renewing the bond between the two of you. Couples find that their feeling of partnership increases and the sexual passion increases. When the most important relationship of your life feels like partnership and passion, each of you, in turn, feels more peaceful and joyful. And how do you get there? One simple step at a time.
Meredith M. Keller MA, LPC is a relationship expert and director of Couples Therapy Center. She earned her Master’s degree in Counseling, which is in the field of Psychology, in 2000. With this degree and my license to practice therapy. When the opportunity arose in 2004 for me to work with couples, she began an advanced training in relationships at Imago Relationships International and he became an Imago Certified Counselor in 2007.
What do you think?
What steps have you taken to improve your relationship with your significant other? What has worked for you the most? Have you ever had any experience with couple’ s therapy?
Post your comments below!
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Director and Relationship Expert
