First off, before I even get into it, my heart is still floating on air from the loving comments that Penny wrote on my last blog…Isn’t it amazing how much of a lift one receives from the open heart of another? How connected we truly all are! It reminds me of the blessed times in my life when out of the blue strangers young and golden would smile at me as I passed…or was I smiling at them first and didn’t even realise it?
All I know is that a smile is truly a gift, like any one of a number of kind gestures that leave an impression- sometimes for life. I have formed a serendipitous habit of silently blessing everyone I come in contact with while driving. I just BEAM love consciously towards all my fellow drivers/passengers and pedestrians, and what a lovely and relaxing time my errands always are.
Knowing warm and generous women, like Penny, fills my heart with such joy that it can’t help spilling over to others. And Sisters, make no mistake, the men and small people in our lives, as well as us girls, ALL benefit from OUR smiles. We are a ‘soft place to land’ especially for our men who are hard and rough and doing battle every day. Our smiles, our pauses, our gentle words and soft voices are like paradise to their souls.
These thoughts tie in with what is on my mind and in my heart to share today, which is labelling behaviour. When I am feeling strained, I notice I become less resourceful and fall into old patterns that used to be normal vernacular, but now actually feels abusive.
Tonight after my children’s TaeKwon Do class, we had to stop into the grocery store to pick up some greens before heading home. It was already going on 7pm, we hadn’t had dinner, and I was feeling less than pleased with how I had organised the day which made necessary for this extra grocery run. As a raw foodist, I tend to need to do shopping 3x a week, except in the summer, when we have extra greens from our garden. I make every effort to accomplish this task early in the day whenever possible.
At the store, while quickly scanning around just for the absolute necessesties until I could get back there tomorrow, my youngest was ‘chattering away’ and was asking for my feedback, and I realized he seemed very interested so I did double duty, splitting half my mind on my list and half my mind on his questions. While out in the parking lot and loading the car, he was still highly engaged in our conversation to the point that when I asked him to please start taking out the bags from the cart and put them in the trunk, he didn’t hear and stood right in my way, animated as ever.
All of a sudden I found myself saying “Wake up, Liam! We need to load up and get home, so pitch in.”
I noticed my frustration had been building since I realised I had to even go shopping this late instead of going straight home after class, and I also noticed how I treated this little boy who was just excited and wanting to share with his mom… I though about it all the way home…
“WAKE UP!” I had said. What kind of talk IS THAT? Instead of simply repeating, “Liam, would you please take a few bags and load up the car so we can be on our way home now, and I will listen to your story over dinner” I used a derogatory tone to tell him I wanted his attention and he obviously was in la-la land…or whatever.
I am sure this is something that I was told as a girl, because it felt so ingrained when it came out of my mouth, yet felt offensive to my ears not to mention my heart. It’s like when I tell my boys “Shhh, you are making so much noise” instead of saying “Would you please talk quieter”. It’s actually amazing how often I label their behaviour instead of merely describing it.
How about “Your clothes are scattered everywhere” instead of “Your clothes are not put away” or “Stop whining” instead of “I can hear you are upset” or “Why do you always leave the bathroom in a mess?” instead of “The toothpaste lid is not on the toothpaste, the sink could use a good rinse, and if you are finished with your towel please pick it up off the floor and put it in the laundry?”
How RUDE I actually am, without even realising it. I would not speak to ANYONE, or their children, like this. Yet this is standard fare towards my loved ones when I am feeling overwhelmed and less than resourceful. So I get that it takes work/effort on my part to NOT slip into this way of relating. I don’t say things like “You are so stupid” or “You will never amount to anything”, but it is obvious from the above examples that my words are injurious and hurtful just the same.
This week I was in WINNERS buying a gift for my husband’s Mom for Mother’s day, and I spied a lovely blouse that was on sale and decided to try it on while the boys tried on some new pants. When we were exiting, I handed the lady my number and she said “Thank You”, just as she had for every other woman ahead of me. But, when she took the numbers from each of my boys, there was no polite courtesy involved; she just merely took their numbers from them, without even meeting their eyes. I know this isn’t labelling behaviour, but it sent a message that certainly wasn’t life-affirming.
So, I am here to say that I am WAKING UP to a dormant side of myself that is willing to learn a new way of communicating which gives information instead of labelling behaviour. If anyone relates to any of this, join with me in spirit, knowing I am cheering you on in this subtle but powerful distinction.
Bless us!
Shannon