More Than Just Words: Apologies That Work
by Tera Warner
Last week, we spoke about the fact that apologies, without a genuine sense of remorse, or the realization that harm has been caused, is a bit like offering a dead fish. The words are empty, lack sincerity and meaning.
And even a sincere apology alone is not enough! When it comes to causing harm, creating problems for other people, doing things to lose trust, confidence, respect or the friendship of others because of the things that you have done or failed to do, then words are not going to be enough to make it better.
You’re going to have to take a good hard look at life and find out what you can DO, not just “say,” to regain what was lost, restore trust, friendship and make things feel good again. The missing ingredient in most apologies is a willingness and initiative to DO something to make it better. Words alone are only half the solution.
Let’s Say I Steal $20 From Your Wallet…
Now let’s also say that $20 was money that you had put aside to buy yourself a special skirt that was on sale at the end of the day. You’d been saving for it and finally you had the money!! Today was the last day the skirt was going to be on sale and you’d finally saved enough money!!
But at the end of the day, when you go to finally get the treat, it’s gone. Poof!
That money has disappeared. You have no idea what happened and start to worry that maybe you dropped it along the way, or left it on a counter at work. You make a few phone calls, spent a while looking for it, but eventually give up feeling sad and discouraged.
Now, if I came to you and apologized a couple days later, would that be enough?
If I gave you back the $20 AND apologized, would that be enough?
Ultimately, you’re going to have to be the one who observes and examines the situations that are before you and decides what feels like a reasonable amount of rightness required to correct the wrong.
You need to feel good about it in your heart and so does the person you’ve harmed/lost trust with.
Now, If I Had Stolen Your Money…
If I really had stolen $20, and caused you to lose your chance to get your favorite skirt while it was on sale, I would march my butt over to the store, buy the skirt (even if it was no longer on sale) then slip a $20 bill into your pocket and then apologize.
Now, let me be VERY clear by saying that I do not mean you should “buy” trust back. But every situation needs to be assessed for the damage caused and then an attempt made to correct, repair and regain trust where it was lost. If you create a problem, then fix it. If you can go above and beyond in fixing it, even better.
If I do something that creates harm or causes a problem, I want to make sure I do something that makes it a lot better. I want to leave a person feeling higher, happier and more enthusiastic about life AFTER having crossed my path, never less.
“Apologies” are empty words unless they’re followed by actions done in the real world to make a significant change and improvement where wrong has been done. If you do something to lose a person’s trust, work to get it back. You will know when you’ve made it right because you’ll feel better and they’ll feel better.
Now, as in all things, there are exceptions, but more often than not these principles will serve to support you and uplift you in your relationships and communication with others.
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