Who’s Right? Learning To Let Go
by Tera Warner
Today’s message takes guts to read. It takes humility. Though you might think humility is the kind of thing that makes a person smaller, it’s actually a real sign of greatness!
You’ve Got to Be Willing To Let Go Of This One Thing
If you’ve ever been in an argument that just wouldn’t resolve…
If you’ve ever felt that seething, stubborn sense of self-righteousness get you into trouble…
Then you’re going to love (or totally HATE) what I have to say.
If there is one thing that will get you into trouble in your communication and relationships with other people, it’s your need to be right.
“Truth” is always relative to point of view. Standing from the top of a mountain looking down, a car looks very small. One could say it’s a “small” car standing from there, and that would be true. If you were an ant passing along beside the tire of that same car, you would look up and think that is a really BIG car. And that would also be very true-certainly from the ant’s perspective.
One of the most important, and tricky, things to learn when it comes to your ability to successfully communicate with other people is that truth is always relative to point of view. What’s “true” is only ever going to be what’s true for YOU! And to the degree that you can understand and respect another person’s “truth” you will experience profound success in communication and relationships.
I Had to Learn This One the Hard Way
Having grown up with divorced parents, who really didn’t get along, I was raised with two versions of the story–my Mom’s version and my Dad’s version. Both were incredibly different. At one point in my life, around the time I started university and prepared to enter into my first real long term relationship, I took it upon myself to “get to the truth of the matter.”
I decided I was going to dig into the divorce papers, call up the legal powers that be and find out the “truth” once and for all! Who was right? My Mom? Or my Dad?
By the end of it all, it didn’t matter. My need to make one person right, had no choice but to make the other “wrong” and so this was bound to be a no-win situation. I fell out of relationship with my Dad for nearly two years, which then caused my younger brother to stop speaking to me for 10 years!! By the time I grew up enough to understand that both my parents were “right” (from their point of view), it was too late. A lot of damage had been done.
I’m not telling you this to pass on drama. I’m telling you this to point out just one personal example of how the need to be right can tear people and families apart.
Now, I want to tell you how to fix it. 😉
You Don’t Need to Be Right
You can tell a lot about a person, and generally speaking, the worse they’re doing–the tougher life is for them and the more they perceive life as a struggle, the stronger their need to be right will be.
If you’re in a conversation or relationship with someone whose need to be right is interfering with communication and affinity in relationships, then understanding this is vital.
If they were doing better in life, they would be able to be “wrong” and still take the blow. Given that their need to be right is something they’re clinging to, it means they are very afraid of being wrong. If you kick them around to prove your point, it will only make them smaller and it won’t help! No one will win!!
Compassion. Patience. Empathy. Understanding. And a willingness to let go of the need to be “right” in the other person’s eyes.
You don’t have to AGREE with people to demonstrate that you’ve heard and understood them. There are ways of responding and communicating that can simply acknowledge a person and allow them to have their point of view without feeling any compulsion to convince, persuade, or do anything to change their point of view.
They are where they are because of where they’ve been and by fighting with them, sending them your hostility, frustration and irritation, you’re only making it worse. You’re giving them more they need to fight against.
Are You Up For The Challenge?
Take on the challenge of being the “bigger” person and taking on a bit more responsibility for making things right out there in the ocean of emotion we’re all swimming in.
Let your need to be right take a long flight for far off places. Be the courageous one out there who makes a difference! Someone’s got to do it!
The rightest thing there can possibly be is understanding, compassion, love, and trust in communication. Whatever you can do to make that happen, without violating your own personal integrity and values, seems like a pretty “right” thing to do to me.
But then again…
…I could be wrong. 😉
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