Successful Relationship Tips: Many Apply, Few Are Chosen: How to Prequalify Your Ideal Partner
by Shana James
Isn’t it interesting that we can know so little about a person – how one thinks, feels, makes decisions, etc. – but then be tempted to jump into a relationship? Sure, it takes time to learn about someone and you can’t speed up time. But there are ways to get to know someone much faster and more thoroughly than our cultural dating norm.
There is a way to ask deep, curious questions that evoke truth and understanding. I want to stress that this is different from checking things off a list in your head or dryly interviewing someone on a date. This is heartfelt and connecting, rather than judgmental and separate. This doesn’t have to be dull or serious. You can make it playful!
When you learn to get “real” information about someone you waste less of your precious time wondering if someone is a match for you. You’ll get a deeper sense of who a person is, what’s important to him or her and whether your values are aligned.
The Relationship Application:
I created a fun process at one point when I was considering whether to date a man. (It was inspired by a friend of mine who did something similar years ago.) Rather than sitting down and asking these questions I playfully asked him to fill out an application. I thought of questions that were important to me, that I really wanted to know the answer to. I made it fun and heartfelt.
Here is what I came up with. I gave it to him after our first date:
You have shown great promise thus far and we would like to move forward with the application process. Please answer these questions to the best of your ability. The more thorough your responses the more easily we will know if you are a fit for this “company.”
1. What first inspired you to consider this position?
2. What are your intentions and desires for this position?
3. What do you desire most out of this position?
4. What should we know about you that doesn’t show up on first impressions and could cause a problem in the future?
5. What did you appreciate about last night’s “interview?” Upon reflection, is there anything you would change?
6. We like to have a sense of the well-roundedness of our applicants. What are your desires and intentions in life right now beyond relationships?
A couple odd questions for a business applicant, but our company is very heart based in its approach so we like to have a deep understanding of our people:
7. What we can expect to happen when you heart closes? How does this come across to others? What helps you open and relax?
8. What can we do to help you drop deeper into your body, presence and your pleasure – so that your work here can be more productive?
Thank you for taking the time to apply Mr. ______. We look forward to receiving your responses and will do our best to look them over as soon as you reply.
What You Do With the Truth
When you receive a person’s answers you have powerful information with which you can make a decision about how you want to move forward. If you’re a smart cookie you’ll be honest with yourself about whether the person is a match for you. You’ll consider deeper issues than attraction and appearances. You’ll figure out whether someone is aligned with your values and desires.
Use the questions as a jumping off point and come up with your own questions! What is most important to you? What do you want to know about someone? Share your questions below so others can use them too!
About Shana James
Shana James is a dating and relationship coach, co-founder of the Authentic Woman Experience, and senior Course Leader for Authentic World. She helps women and men create phenomenal romantic relationships, lives they love, and real sister- and brotherhood…without compromising themselves.
Over the past ten years Shana has coached and mentored hundreds of people from around the world. Even therapists and long-time coaches credit her with helping them move through their blocks to finding and sustaining love. Shana co-created the Authentic Woman Experience workshop series to serve women who are dissatisfied, settling or feeling resigned about love. In these teleseminars and live events, women learn to create the loving partnerships they deeply desire. Women in relationship learn to keep it deep, connected and passionate for the long-term.
Shana has a masters degree in Psychology, along with hundreds of hours of coaching and course leadership training. She lives with her husband and their baby in the SF Bay Area.