“Do you feel special?” Bring out your raw inner sparkle!

by Fiona Hollis

I was out shopping the other day, and found a gift card I got for Christmas in my purse. I was near the shop and experienced that rush of excitement, which, is no stranger to us women! Adding to the child-like wonder of this mystical retail-therapy voucher – I didn’t know how much it was for.

As soon as I entered the shop, I saw an earring and necklace set that sparkled and made me smile. As I held them up and looked in the mirror, I thought how special they would be if they were real diamonds… but I was happy I could treat myself to something pretty – so made my way to the cashier to find out if the mystical gift card would cover them.

As I skipped out of the shop, swinging my bag, I remembered shopping in that same shop with my mom as a child. How good it felt to be shopping with my mom and be bought a gift. Gifts made me feel loved, appreciated, and special.

When I showed my partner, he commented on the style. He started to say he’d once bought something just like that for someone else. I deflated. Desperately trying to stop the tears from flowing, I shut him down and told him I didn’t want to know – trying to be playful. I was sad, embarrassed and angry with myself.

Feeling ashamed for such a strong ‘out of the blue’ reaction, I activated the well known British coping mechanism, ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’. I didn’t like that I wanted to cry – it felt silly. Kicking myself, I knew if I had let the feelings flow I would have quickly accessed the underlying emotion. It wasn’t about the necklace – that was just a trigger – I felt insignificant. Suddenly the excitement and special feeling from earlier – has mutated into darker self worth issues.

I felt inadequate and unworthy of real sparkles.

Later on with no one around, I felt able to explore this feeling more. However, trying to access that same feeling after the event had happened was hard – the rational mind is a powerful thing. We have created ways of coping with our feelings, and our mind is good at justifying and minimizing feelings.

The truth is I want someone to make me feel special – so I can avoid deep down feelings of unworthiness and a lack of self love. I knew when I bought the set they would be more special if there were real diamonds. Little-me was sad that my partner had bought them for someone else – but not me. I am not a fan of jealousy, and admitting this makes me cringe! But by owning our feelings and not projecting them on to our families – we are closer to experiencing and releasing them for good.

Why do I need someone else to make me feel special? I feel that when I have more self love I won’t project a need for others to make me feel special.

We have all been brought up individually to have certain views on what’s loving, and what’s not. But even by choosing to have more raw food in your families’ diet, you are making a choice to love yourself more. The more we love ourselves, the more others can feel our love.  We are all at different stages on our journeys – but by being sensitive to our feelings we can use the smallest event to really see what emotional injuries we have. Don’t let your repressed feelings obscure your inner light. Let you and your kiddi-winks SHINE. Three words to employ where we can: Humility, Honesty and Truth.

This time I didn’t access the underlying causal feeling that creates this addiction to feeling special… but I’m getting closer… it’s a process!