Mama Knows Best

Wednesday I had a really intense emotional experience with the motive being ambiguous until after the event. Let me rewind a few months to give some background…

Back in December I started looking into playgroups for Zenchai to attend a couple times a week. With all the winter weather I felt like we were always cooped up. We were both getting bored, but in very different ways. I was feeling like I wanted to spread my wings a little and have a bit of space to myself. For him I had an inkling he might be ready for more stimulation and interaction with other children. I looked around at several groups, asked the opinions of some mothers I knew and did a little internet research.

Finally, I found a little Montessori group near to my house. We booked in a visit. Everything seemed nice enough on first appearances. But then after some more thought I sensed it might be better to wait a little longer. I had apprehensions over completely handing Zenchai’s care over to a stranger, plus we had some traveling planned in the New Year.

Okay so now fast forward to the near present moment…

A couple weeks ago there were two specific occurrences that made me see Zenchai in a whole new way. It was observing those two situations that made me know on a gut level that Zenchai was definitely ready to join a group. I approached the Montessori again. I got him registered and ready to go.

On Wednesday morning we set out for our first day of ‘school’. As part of his initiation I was able to slowly acclimate him by being present with him. The idea being with each session I would spend a little less time in the room until he was confident to be there without me.

Zenchai was at first unsure of what he could and could not play with, which of course is totally normal. But as more children came in (there were only six kids in total) the sickness in me became more palpable. I became aware of the tears lingering on the brims of my eyes. In the moment I just couldn’t rationalize my tremendous emotions. I really had to dig deep to not let Zenchai see I had lost my centeredness. I didn’t want my energetic disposition to rub-off on him.

As the morning progressed I just kept getting waves of red light signal afflictions. There was just something fundamentally wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on one thing, but recognized the environment was way off the mark.

My head was buzzing with disbelief. Every toy I saw was plastic with batteries to make it flash, sing or do whatever. There were even remote control cars (not that Zenchai minded!). This is of course not to say I have been totally able to escape having some plastic toys in our home for Zenchai. I think I have just been “spoiled” by the Steiner atmosphere of wholesome, natural toys. My mind kept wandering to the lush gardens and tree houses at our Steiner school only to be snapped back into the reality of seeing big plastic outdoor cars on a small patch of fake grass. My heart was rapidly breaking.

When we departed I was in such a disturbing tizzy. Acutely in my core I knew I was not going to be able to continue a relationship with the Montessori school. I drove to my mother-in-law’s around the corner. She took one look at me and wondered what had happened to shake me up so badly. I explained as much as I could to her. She totally supported my intuition. Then she handed me the phone so I could call Steiner school.

I have been taking Zenchai to our local Steiner school parent and child playgroup since he was six months old. I absolutely love it there. It has a purely magical atmosphere with heavenly fairy energies present. We have always said that if we still lived near the school when he became of age we would send him there. They don’t take children into the kindergarten level until 3 – 3 ½ . Zenchai is just short of three so I had thought he wouldn’t be able to start there until September.

I made the phone call and much to my relief all going well he should be able to attend at the start of June after their midterm break when he is three.

Even though I had resolved the situation my spirit was so profoundly effected I remained on the brink of tears for the rest of the day. The mother in me had really been put to the test. I had two options: 1) ignore the colossal sensations that were coursing through me or 2) listen to my heightened discernment. Obviously I chose the latter.

Upon reflection I determined why I had been incredibly sensitive and perceptive in relation to this particular state of affairs. Unintentionally I had been eating very lightly, nearly fasting for a few days prior to this event. I had become so visceral emotionally without realizing it that my ethereal being had an almost vulnerable quality to it. My sixth sense had become brightly polished.

One could view this unconscious creating of clarity as a quirk. But personally I don’t believe in coincidence. To me the Universe guided me into sparse eating in order to help my motherly intuition blossom for this circumstance.

I love the way we are always taken care of!

PS. My eating has naturally returned to normal.

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