(90-Day Detox) Day 68: What you don’t say can hurt you.
Written by Tera on April 28, 2009 – -I fell in love recently.
I know, I know. “Here she goes blurting her personal stuff on the blog again!” But there’s a message in here, and I think it’s a valuable one.
First of all, I don’t know FOR SURE how this is going to work out. No one ever does, really. There’s a certain amount of risk that comes with loving someone and opening up enough to be loved in return. I won’t deny that I have “fears” that pop up related to previous experiences I’ve had and while there are all kinds of things I’ve managed to build and create successfully, a marriage isn’t one of them. In spite of my habit of diving into romance with all the best intentions, until now, something goes awry and it falls apart.
I told you when I was dating “Mr. Wheatgrass” and “The Dutchman”. It was fun to include you in these adventures and share what had been going on. Lately, I’m finding it difficult to “get into” my blog posts because I’ve been keeping a secret from you.
But there’s a mighty fine lesson here I’d like to illustrate and it’s on my mind a lot as I embark on a new commitment to try and build a significant relationship with someone new in my life.
The biggest reason relationships fall apart is because of the things that go unspoken–the secrets that remain untold. Anyone who has fallen in love once knows how amazing this can be. Then, over time, they say people “lose their spark” or that they “fall out of love”.
Maybe this is true, but I’m not convinced.
I think people as individuals are responsible for the feelings, sensations, perceptions they feel. I think WE choose how we react to others, to food, to our environment and personal circumstances. There are all manner of excuses people can come up with to justify relationships falling apart, but in my humble opinion, more often than not these are just “excuses.” The real reason people drift in relationships is because they’re not communicating honestly or fully about what’s going on.
I’m not talking about saying everything you think to your partner, but when you become aware that you are withholding something–some thought, some concern, something you’ve done that you probably shouldn’t have done… then your internal alarms should be going off like mad! These things that get withheld put sheer curtains between you and your partner. When you accumulate enough of them it gets tough to see the other person the way you once did. We find “reasons” to justify the fact that we’ve
“fallen out of love” but the truth is that you fell out of communication FIRST! And communication can be restored.
I’ve seen this in action with my ex-husband. Even though my ex-husband and I had been divorced for over 6 years, in the interests of improving our relationship with one another and for the kids, we went to marriage counseling. It was a pretty unique form of counseling in that there were ONLY TWO QUESTIONS the counselor asked. For example, she picked one person at a time. When she asked me, she had me sit facing Jason (who was instructed not to say A WORD in spite of any temptation that may arise to do so). Then she repeated these two questions until I felt positive, experienced a relief and had a win!
1. What have you done to Jason?
2. What have you withheld from Jason?
Then she switched and it was Jason’s turn to do the same thing. These two questions took what for us had been 6 years of tension, stress and conflict and dissolved it in a few hours. Incredible.
I wrote this on the sales page of the 90-day detox:
“4. It’s not what someone else does to you that causes you to dislike them, it’s what you do to them!”
It’s not that I’ve stopped loving you, my dear, but I’ve found myself slightly disconnected emotionally from my blog posts and I bet it shows. 
I’ve been holding out on you about the new love in my life. But I won’t hold out for much longer. I can’t even if I want to and even if my mother says I should.
I’m an open book kinda girl that way.
It’s time to get a couple muffins ready for school, then hot yoga then I’ve got some exciting writing to finish up. I hope you’re doing well, my dear!
I’ll be back for an update and a love story soon.
*smooch*
Tera
P.S.
Heads up about the teleseminar i’m going to be doing with Patty Contenta! Check it out here:
Tags: 90-Day Detox, Empowerment, Raw Food, raw food diet, Tera Warner, the raw divas
Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »
By Karyn on Apr 28, 2009
Oh Tera! I’m so happy for you! I’ve learned through my own life and love experiences how important it is to have open and honest communication. Here are a few more lessons I’ve learned/am learning: Live in the now. That doesn’t mean ignore the future (or the past) but being truly present in the moment is an amazing experience. There’s a wonderful dialog in “Peaceful Warrior” that has become one of my favorite mantras:
Where are you? HERE
What time is it? NOW
Who are you? THIS MOMENT
Finally, I have learned that it is only when we truly love and nurture ourselves that we can be fully capable of totally loving others. And it is only when we totally, completely and fully come from a place of pure love and acceptance, without judgment – of self and others (I’m still working hard on this one!) that we are open to receiving all the bountiful love that exists in our world.
Bright Blessings and All My Love,
Karyn
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By Veronica Barrett on Apr 28, 2009
Thank you for blessing us with the privilege of this look into your life, Tera. {{{{{ hugs }}}}} I do agree with you about communication and lack thereof as being the reason for relationship breakdowns. I’ve not listened to the teleseminar yet as I’ve been distracted with other things, however it’s on my list of “to do”s for tomorrow.
Blessings,
Gypsy Queen
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By Vanetta on Apr 28, 2009
You are one brave lady! I think you are so right about communication. Knowing who you are and in what direction you are going is critical in recognizing whether or not two can walk together in unity (doesn’t mean as “clones”..). It’s much easier to find out before heart-strings get tied too tightly. Emotions can be so fickle and contribute to our not being true to ourselves, many times.
And another thing that is important is not expecting the other person to change. Oftentimes, we women can get into relationships with the mindset that the other person will change. Or, if they really love me, then they’ll change to “suit me”. Well, what if the other person NEVER changes? And expecting that another person will change in the way WE think they should isn’t fair.
Not being in a hurry is helpful too. Just my two cents’ worth…or maybe it’s only 1/2 of a cent…whatever.
What a blessing it is to be able to both give and receive love,
Vanetta
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By Courtney (C.M.P.) on Apr 28, 2009
Tera, You are so right about the following:
“The real reason people drift in relationships is because they’re not communicating honestly or fully about what’s going on.”
“We find “reasons” to justify the fact that we’ve
“fallen out of love” but the truth is that you fell out of communication FIRST! And communication can be restored.”
SPOT ON! Those are the reasons my partner’s parents got divorced, and I think the reason why my current partner and I have been so successful.
I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU FOR FINDING LOVE! HURRAY!
Hugs
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By Nicole Lafleche on Apr 28, 2009
Hey Chica,
I’m back in body at least…still processing and integrating all that I’ve experienced in the last, I was going to say few weeks, but the last few months actually.
Communication yes is the golden rule. You might want to add this to the mix also…you and your partner ought to also have the same view and motivation…be on the same path so to speak. For example, you’re all about supporting people on their quest for a healthier lifestyle and your partner should have a similar view and your motivation in life should be geared to supporting that view…a very wise man, my favourite teacher Carlos De Leon once told me that and I do agree with him…makes perfect sense to me.
)
Keep on loving chica, it is what makes the world go round!
Much Love Schnookums,
Nicole
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By Amanda on Apr 28, 2009
Loving the love
Communication IS important. I notice with my hubby when we have communication problems is when it starts getting a little tense (I say something and he hears something else…). We work through it though and love each other a little more. We ARE newlyweds, so it is easy to bounce back!
Squeeze,
Amanda
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By mom on Apr 28, 2009
ok.. enough smart little comments .. about Mom says this and Mom thinks that
You go girl..!!!!!!!
Just take it a wee teeny tiny bit slow .. for me ..
xoxoxo MOM
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By Tera on Apr 28, 2009
hey mom!
Remember this song?
“I am slowing going crazy. 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch!
Crazy going slowly am I, 6 5 4 3 2 1 switch!”
Hehe…
I hear you for the slow going. Every good thing in its time. This week we’re focused on work and getting things done. Slow like molasses, I tell you!
Love
Tera
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By Stacey on Apr 29, 2009
I so much appreciate your courage to be human and to share your experiences. And honesty is a funny thing. Once you’ve really shared genuine honesty with a partner, even when that honesty was painful, it’s hard to go back to what you thought of as ‘normal’ before. I couldn’t imagine myself being in a new relationship without the same level of honesty I enjoyed in my last. I also have that honesty to thank for the good relationship, actually… the dear and wonderful friendship, I share with my ex.
The honesty problems we faced were started in the beginning, so we started a relationship without truth. It really should never have started, but we found truth as we went and then THAT became the basis of our intimacy and desire to find a possible solution. We both appreciated and respected one another for trusting the other with emotions we knew would be painful.
I still have lots to learn about communication and how my actions towards others affects my emotions… I wish I could keep all this great information in my head at all times…!
I’d need me about two or three more noggins methinks.
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