When kids don't listen

Kids get a bad rap!  They are constantly accused of ‘not listening’ or ‘not paying attention’ when nothing could be further from the truth!  Kids from the age of 0- 5 barely understand the concept never mind know how to do that. 

You see, at that stage of development, they just don’t have any filters.  EVERYTHING goes in.  This means that your kids aren’t trying to shut you out- they couldn’t even if they wanted to- and believe me, they don’t want to.  Our kids and men for that matter are very much like dogs- they WANT to please us!

What actually happens is this:  because they lack the psychological software necessary to erect barriers, they are absorbing everything in their immediate environment on a very deep level.  And they become completely engaged.  So if they are playing, or looking at a bug, or seemingly ‘staring off into space’ they are actually so absorbed in their own thought processes which are directly tied into their whole being that they literally can’t hear or see anything else that may be going on around them.  See the truth is they have incredible focus!  It is 100%.

Understanding this gives us a different perspective and appreciation for those moments when we want their attention…we need to learn how to approach them.  What I recommend is to use your discretion.  For example, when they are staring, or equally absorbed in what they are doing, please avoid jarring them out of their concentration with a fast movement like grabbing them to pick them up, or with some loud directive.

Research shows that in those moments kids are literally creating brand new nerve synapses in their brains – they are getting smarter!   Instead, watch them for a moment, and then when you are ready, carefully approach in a gentle way respecting their space as you would anyone else who was concentrating on something.  Get down to their eye level and see if they notice you first so you don’t actually have to interrupt them.  Then say softly, ‘Hi there.  Its time for…” and do what you need to do once you have brought them back to reality.  Like I said, use your discernment- obviously if they were in some sort of danger you wouldn’t worry about interrupting them to do whatever you needed to for their safety.

For kids a little older, around 5-10, what works really well is to let them know what is on the schedule in bite size pieces (not the whole pie! ie:  “First we are going to the bank and then to shopping and then the post office and after that to pay a parking ticket and then…” A simple ‘we are leaving to go shopping and run errands” is enough.  

TRANSITION TIMES like leaving the park, or stopping play to come and wash hands for dinner, etc, can cause alarm in small children…Why?  Because it may be unwanted, but actually more so, it is unexpected.  This can create anxiety.   Children feel secure when they know what is coming.  Give warnings of about 5- 10 minutes just before the transitions.  So if you are somewhere and its time to get going- that is NOT the time to tell your kids.  Five to ten minutes prior to that is what works best whenever possible.  Kids are so focused on what they are doing they FEEL it in their little bodies and it is so unpleasant for them to be ripped away from being in ‘their zone’ without a little notice. 

Just give a friendly reminder, “In 10 minutes we are leaving so begin to pack up…” Then in 5 minute let them know they have a few more minutes and now is the time to finish up. Refrain from just ‘telling’ them.  Go and do it with them and ensure they are ‘hearing’ you.

For things like school, or other events that happen regularly, what is helpful is to plan ahead.  The worst thing is to be rushing around in the morning – it sets the wrong tone and can throw everyone off balance for the entire day.  So the night before, just before bedtime, begin the process of teaching your kids what clothes work best together by doing it with them until they get the hang of it.  Every kid learns differently, so you have to gage when it is appropriate to initiate this and when to hand it over to them. 

But the main thing is you are modeling a success strategy called ‘BEING PREPARED’.  It is a skill for life.  So set aside a few minutes every night for this important ritual.  (In a near future article I will give really powerful tips for how to get your kids to bed and off into dreamland peacefully)   Once the kids are settled for the night, you need to do one more thing to prepare for morning. 

Make sure your kitchen is clean and tidy and you have decided what breakfast will be.  By doing this last step the night before, you are creating in advance a beautiful start to the day.  Some moms even put the placemats and bowls and spoons on the table the night before so the table is all set for morning. 

You might make their lunches now too, unless you are an early bird who functions best rising early before everyone else. I never did that, but I did make sure night dishes were put away and sinks and counters were clear of clutter – I might even put a little spray of flowers that we had gathered that day from a forest walk, or a little stone or leave in the centre of the table, perhaps beside a little candle- anything to make the table and therefore the whole kitchen look cheery and welcoming for us all in the morning.  

So remember, approach focused children with respect and reverence for their learning, use 5 minute warnings for all transitions, prepare whatever can be done in advance to avoid rushing at the last minute, and then smile inside knowing you are ‘creating the space’ for your loving, harmonious home. 

For MORE GREAT TIPS go to: www.rawmom.com/raisingchildren/index.html

SHANNON LEONE is a Mom, Artist, Writer and WELLNESS COACH with 20 years experience in Natural Health whose background includes: Assistant Fitness Director of the Parkview Club in Toronto, Licensed Aestitician and Colon Hydro therapist, Raw Gourmet Chef, Director of THE LITTLE FRIENDS FOUNDATION, Creator of THE FRIENDSHIP FLAG GAME for kids age 1-100, and Filmmaker RAISING CHILDREN RAISES US- a DVD on Conscious Parenting. 

Shannon has appeared on TV’s Woman to Woman, Daytime, Body Mind Spirit, International Radio and many Magazines.  Find Shannon also at rawmom.com.

For personal or group Coaching and Seminars: 1-866-LEONE-11 sjkleone@yahoo.com

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