LABELS DISABLE!
Written by Lisa on May 16, 2008 – -
First off, before I even get into it, my heart is still floating on air from the loving comments that Penny wrote on my last blog…Isn’t it amazing how much of a lift one receives from the open heart of another? How connected we truly all are! It reminds me of the blessed times in my life when out of the blue strangers young and golden would smile at me as I passed…or was I smiling at them first and didn’t even realise it?
All I know is that a smile is truly a gift, like any one of a number of kind gestures that leave an impression- sometimes for life. I have formed a serendipitous habit of silently blessing everyone I come in contact with while driving. I just BEAM love consciously towards all my fellow drivers/passengers and pedestrians, and what a lovely and relaxing time my errands always are.
Knowing warm and generous women, like Penny, fills my heart with such joy that it can’t help spilling over to others. And Sisters, make no mistake, the men and small people in our lives, as well as us girls, ALL benefit from OUR smiles. We are a ‘soft place to land’ especially for our men who are hard and rough and doing battle every day. Our smiles, our pauses, our gentle words and soft voices are like paradise to their souls.
These thoughts tie in with what is on my mind and in my heart to share today, which is labelling behaviour. When I am feeling strained, I notice I become less resourceful and fall into old patterns that used to be normal vernacular, but now actually feels abusive.
Tonight after my children’s TaeKwon Do class, we had to stop into the grocery store to pick up some greens before heading home. It was already going on 7pm, we hadn’t had dinner, and I was feeling less than pleased with how I had organised the day which made necessary for this extra grocery run. As a raw foodist, I tend to need to do shopping 3x a week, except in the summer, when we have extra greens from our garden. I make every effort to accomplish this task early in the day whenever possible.
At the store, while quickly scanning around just for the absolute necessesties until I could get back there tomorrow, my youngest was ‘chattering away’ and was asking for my feedback, and I realized he seemed very interested so I did double duty, splitting half my mind on my list and half my mind on his questions. While out in the parking lot and loading the car, he was still highly engaged in our conversation to the point that when I asked him to please start taking out the bags from the cart and put them in the trunk, he didn’t hear and stood right in my way, animated as ever.
All of a sudden I found myself saying “Wake up, Liam! We need to load up and get home, so pitch in.”
I noticed my frustration had been building since I realised I had to even go shopping this late instead of going straight home after class, and I also noticed how I treated this little boy who was just excited and wanting to share with his mom… I though about it all the way home…
“WAKE UP!” I had said. What kind of talk IS THAT? Instead of simply repeating, “Liam, would you please take a few bags and load up the car so we can be on our way home now, and I will listen to your story over dinner” I used a derogatory tone to tell him I wanted his attention and he obviously was in la-la land…or whatever.
I am sure this is something that I was told as a girl, because it felt so ingrained when it came out of my mouth, yet felt offensive to my ears not to mention my heart. It’s like when I tell my boys “Shhh, you are making so much noise” instead of saying “Would you please talk quieter”. It’s actually amazing how often I label their behaviour instead of merely describing it.
How about “Your clothes are scattered everywhere” instead of “Your clothes are not put away” or “Stop whining” instead of “I can hear you are upset” or “Why do you always leave the bathroom in a mess?” instead of “The toothpaste lid is not on the toothpaste, the sink could use a good rinse, and if you are finished with your towel please pick it up off the floor and put it in the laundry?”
How RUDE I actually am, without even realising it. I would not speak to ANYONE, or their children, like this. Yet this is standard fare towards my loved ones when I am feeling overwhelmed and less than resourceful. So I get that it takes work/effort on my part to NOT slip into this way of relating. I don’t say things like “You are so stupid” or “You will never amount to anything”, but it is obvious from the above examples that my words are injurious and hurtful just the same.
This week I was in WINNERS buying a gift for my husband’s Mom for Mother’s day, and I spied a lovely blouse that was on sale and decided to try it on while the boys tried on some new pants. When we were exiting, I handed the lady my number and she said “Thank You”, just as she had for every other woman ahead of me. But, when she took the numbers from each of my boys, there was no polite courtesy involved; she just merely took their numbers from them, without even meeting their eyes. I know this isn’t labelling behaviour, but it sent a message that certainly wasn’t life-affirming.
So, I am here to say that I am WAKING UP to a dormant side of myself that is willing to learn a new way of communicating which gives information instead of labelling behaviour. If anyone relates to any of this, join with me in spirit, knowing I am cheering you on in this subtle but powerful distinction.
Bless us!
Shannon
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By Guinevere on May 17, 2008
Thank you Shannon for waking us up,
We do this so often and yet we have no clue what we are saying.
We need to wake up and get those things that come out of our mouths so easily without recognition, out of our heads and replace them with wonderful words so that our children don’t get hurt.
Thank you for being so honest,
Kind regards and thoughts, and understanding hugs,
Guin
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By Penny on May 18, 2008
Greetings, Lovely Shannon:
It warms my heart that my previous comment on your blog added to your joy! Thank you for sharing that……now you have me smiling!:-) You see how the “gift” goes back and forth?:-)
Shannon, you have posted this entry at a time I have been feeling a pull to read a book I have…..called “Preparing him for the other woman — A Mother’s Guide to Raising Her son To Love a Wife and Lead a Family.” Yes, it’s a book that mothers can read no matter the ages of their sons. (We don’t have to wait until our sons are of dating age for this one!):-)
Sometime ago, this book “jumped out” at me in the grocery store. I purchased it, and, like I said, very recently I’ve been feeling a pull to it.
So, this morning, I pulled it out of my night-table drawer and immediately landed on an area of the book, Shannon, which immediately made me think of what you had expressed here.
The first thing in the book that my eyes came upon this morning was “A Mother’s Prayer for Understanding.” That prayer is:
‘Dear God,
Teach me to season my conversation in a way that sets a positive example for my son. Help him speak words of life and words of wisdom to his friends and family. Forgive me for anything I have said to hurt my son. Give him Your words when he talks, and help him bring out the best in others. In your name I pray, amen.”
On the two pages preceding the prayer (63 – 64), the author Sheri Rose Shepherd, writes:
“There is nothing more wonderful to a woman than a man who uses his words to affirm her and their children. Unfortunately, fatherly affirmation is missing in the lives of many boys today.”
Shepherd continues:
“I recently ran into a couple of my guy friends from high school who had been raised by mothers in single-parent households. Whenever these boys hung out at our home, my stepmom, Susie, constantly affirmed them. She told them how successful they were going to be someday and what great husbands they would make.
“Today these men are two of the most successful businessmen in northern California, and they attribute a great deal of their success to Susie’s affirmation. In fact, their wives have both written my stepmom letters thanking her for believing in their husbands.
“History does not have to repeat itself. We can get down on our knees and pray to reverse the negative trends in this generation and speak words of affirmation into our sons’ lives. Our boys can become positive, affirming husbands and fathers. Let’s do our part to speak life into their lives now!”
Acts 20:2 (NIV) follows: “He traveled through that area speaking many words of encouragement to the people.”
Well, Shannon, just thought this might be a form of inspiration or food for thought to all of us about reversing any negative words we have spoken or negative tone we have used to our children. That’s the beauty about life; there is always a way to turn something not so attractive into something attractive….beginning with our thoughts…beginning with our words!
With Much, Much Love & Smiles!!!
Blessings,
Penny
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By Joanne on May 19, 2008
Gosh, so much to learn from your posting this week, Shannon. I can empathise with how awful you feel after letting something unwarranted slip out of your mouth. Our kids soak it all up, but I also think they’re very forgiving, in their own way.
Love to you
Jo
PS Penny, I have to search out that book! It sounds fantastic. I think my aunt would really like it (she’s mum to a baby boy – she’s a young aunt!). There’s also an Australian book that’s quite interesting, called Raising Boys, by a psychologist called Steve Biddulph. He has also written a book called Manhood, which is very good. Talks about the need for boys to bond with men. I read these books before we had our girls, because it was most likely that we were going to have boys, given that there hadn’t been any girls in Darren’s family for five generations! (My girls are the only girls out of nine cousins! What a shock to all of us that we didn’t have boys!)
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By Shannon on May 19, 2008
WOWIE! thank you Penny and Jo and Guin-Its not surprising to see how this struck a chord- as I imagine we of this generation were all raised in similar fashion of varying degrees of unconsciousness. I agree with Jo that ‘children are forgiving’ and have witnessed that over and over again. So that begs the question- can WE forgive OURSELVES…?
I LOVE that life is full of every flavour and texture and somehow even the worst can become the best IF we see it through to the end. So the next day I apologised to Liam, explaining what can happen when I am in a tired and unresourceful state, and how what is MORE important than what I said to him was what he says to himself…
THIS was a great conversation! He said ‘whatever people say they are talking about themselves’! I asked him how he knew that, and he said “because if someone doesn’t like a picture I made but someone else does like it, it’s still the same picture”! whoa
So as badly as I feel when I mess up, I see that it is ALL a blessing and of course I can forgive myself and somehow these bumps enrichen us all creating more depth and compassion for ourselves and others.
I smiled at this Baby Buddha and told him I loved his wise heart-
so out of all that came a most beautiful affirmation perhaps for him but much more for me as I got to experience that beautiful wise heart which calms my mother-guilt and affirms that it isn’t ALL up to me and my children, all our children, are going to be OK- in spite of US!!!!!!
LOL!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxShannon
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