4 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship With Your Kids

Hmmm…

It happens to me about 5 times a day… I think of something perfectly eloquent and articulate and witty that I can contribute on this blog, but unfortunately, it happens 50 times a day that a cup spills, a shoe needs to be put on, a math problem needs to be corrected or a little boy’s bum needs to be wiped.

It’s an honor, truly an honor, to be a mom. I don’t believe for a second that I teach them more than they teach me.

The other day Mika was having trouble concentrating on her homeschooling and I just finally said it like I felt it:

“Mika, I’m really frustrated and I don’t quite know how to respond to you right now.”

“Mom, if you would get more sleep, spend less time in front of the computer, and stop eating late at night, you wouldn’t be so frustrated.”

I stood there stunned. Caught in my own trap.

“Mika. Thanks.”

She’s 7, by the way.

The other day, Sebastian and his friends were playing on my bed. I’d just arranged my room and felt totally irritated that it was under attack. I came in and said in a rather impatient tone, ” Can you guys find another place to play, please?”

“Okay!” they said in chorus and started to pack up their things.

Then Sebastian turned up his head and said, “Mom, do you think you could say that in another tone, please?”

*sigh*

“Sorry, Seb. You’re right. Thanks.”

So when I say I’m honored, I’m not joking. I mean, these two people just hold me accountable left and right and I couldn’t ask for a better team of support. People wonder how I can juggle all that I juggle, but being with my children is not exhausting or excessively demanding in any way for me. It’s like being at a social event. There are just lots of people to talk to and be around.

At the same time, I know it’s not like this for everyone, and so I wanted to pass along a few tips to help improve your communication with children (whether they are yours or someone else’s).

I used to have my own daycare with 9 children ages 3 and under, and I was also a primary school teacher in Japan for two years, so teaching has become very natural to me. My mom says that when I was very young, I used to get all my cousins to sit on the floor and I would stand at the chalkboard playing “teacher”.

I’ve studied a lot about working with children, but more importantly, I’ve learned a lot by trial and error. Here are a few things that really have empowered me more than anything else:

1. Get down to their level and feel what life is like down there.

When I’m surrounded by children, or in the presences of any child really, the first thing that I do is get down on my knees. I don’t know if you recall being 2 feet tall, but I’ve just never been comfortable watching a young child crank their neck back to speak to me. It’s not fun to be spoken “down” to and it’s intimidating, too.

In my home, I try and keep all pictures, posters and other things they might need, at their eye level. I’ve also put benches and stools where they may not be able to easily access other things they need: closets, sinks, etc. Spend an hour or so roaming around the house on your knees and you will easily spot what needs to be improved.

2. Speak to them as you would any other respectable adult.

Honor who they ARE, and don’t be deceived by the size of their body. Look them in the eyes and be fully present with them. The rules for standard, adult behaviour should not be any different than those for children. Letting them “get away with” behaviour that we wouldn’t accept from any other adult, does very little to empower them or raise their confidence level.

I’ve never spoken to my children like “babies”. I’ve honored who they are and just understood they have a smaller body.

They are limited to a certain degree by the limitations of their bodies, but WHO THEY ARE is more than just their body. They are fully aware and in communication. I never had to “teach” them right from wrong–this knowledge was inherently a part of who they are. I just had to give them a knowing glance when I caught them engaging in something they knew they shouldn’t be doing.

3. Acknowledge their contributions.

How many times does a child come to “help” only to make an even bigger mess? Do you send them away because you can do it better, or do you allow them to smile with confidence at a slimy table feeling like they’re making a difference. It’s not easy being a child. You’re given so much–food, shelter, toys, care and attention.

It’s an awfully awkward thing not being able to wipe your own bottom, put your own clothes on, or tie your own shoes. I don’t know how long it’s been since you were in that kind of vulnerable state, but it’s rough. I mean, they get so much and are hard pressed to find ways to exchange and give back in return.

So they make you smile…

Or they make a drawing, of pick up a cup to pour you a special drink, but before they can bring it to you, clumsy fingers make for spills.

Do you see, honor and acknowledge their contributions to you, to the home, in consideration of their limitations?

Children constantly seek to find exchange with the adults around them. They’ll make you smile and do their best to contribute in the ways that they can. Honor these contributions, as clumsy as they may be. Allow them to feel a sense of contribution as this is one of the things that will inspire their confidence more than anything.

4. Allow them the right to own things.

We give them toys, clothes or gifts and then somehow think we should still decide how these things are managed, organized and handled. If you give a truck to Johnny, let him have it.

How would you feel if you were told what to do with the things you’ve been given?

“Don’t put it there!”

“Don’t wreck that!”

“Don’t pull on your shirt that way!”

They need to have the right to break, abuse and misplace their objects without fear of consequence. They need to have the right to “own” fully the things they’ve been given and live naturally with the consequences of what happens to these objects in their care.

If you’re being confronted by frequently lost or broken toys, or recurring accidents, you may want to consider this very seriously: spilled milk can be a form of quiet protest.

Give them a space within which they have the freedom to move, to breathe, to own, to place things as they see fit. When you give something to a child, allow her the right to do with it as she pleases. This is how they learn action and consequence. This is how they gain an understanding of how to be in relationship with their space and their personal belongings. This is how they learn to enjoy having and become inspired to create a life for themselves with more of what they enjoy.

There’s a better way…

Temper tantrums, spilled milk and broken toys do not need to be par for the course of parenthood. These are a child’s only safe avenue for revolting against some of the choices and decisions imposed upon them by someone twice their size.

Few things are more powerful than this:

Get down on your knees, look a child squarely in the eyes with the utmost respect for who they are, pause for just a moment in the stillness of that space and lovingly say,

“I see you.”

“Now, what is it you’d like to say?”

That alone will crack the door to an empowered and inspired relationship with your children. Most of us are masters of multitasking, and we get very accustomed to doing 4 things at once. When it comes to connecting to your child, no matter what their age, leave the pot on the stove, the broom in the closet and just slooooooow down, get down, and listen.

Oh gooodness, I could go on and on with powerful tips for parenting. In fact, keep your eyes peeled, because soon we’ll be announcing our first Raw Mom teleseminar with the release of a fabulous product that inspired me in my own path to becoming a more conscious, loving parent.

All in time for Mother’s Day!

Sending hugs and happy kid wishes to you all,

Tera